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Fic Reference Post

Shave WHAT now?
I figured it would probably be a good idea to set up a permanent list with all my fiction for easy access. So, here goes.

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This post will be periodically updated with new fic.

Happy birthday, Furiosity!

Shave WHAT now?
And many happy returns of the day!

OMGWTFTAXSEASON

Shave WHAT now?
Preparing taxes for the second year in a row.

Managing a WalMart tax prep kiosk for the first year in a row.

Had the kind of opening day nightmares are made of.

OMG WHY DO I HAVE THE "FUCKED UP TAX SITUATION" ATTRACTION PHEROMONE.

IF YOU MARRIED SOMEONE WHO TURNED OUT TO BE A BUM.

AND YOU STOPPED LIVING WITH THAT PERSON.

AND YOU NO LONGER KNOW IF THEY ARE EVEN ALIVE.

PAY THE $250 FOR THE CRAPPY DIVORCE LAWYER.

AND GET YOURSELF UNFUCKINGMARRIED.

PLEASE.

FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR INCOME TAX REFUND IF NOTHING ELSE.

THAT IS ALL.

Not QUITE Hetalia. But close.

Shave WHAT now?

SOME TIME AGO

Kit: Sweden is such a hipster country, with the beards and the cheap modernist furniture and the national Twitter account.

Me: Yes but does Sweden have a Tumblr?

Kit: It's classified.


MORE RECENTLY

Kit: Can we just be Sweden now?

Me: Hipster beards and all?

Kit: Hey, if it comes with their gender equality and health care system, I can live with it.

Me: I'd still want to see the Tumblr first before committing.

Play wi' me!
Me: NOW IF WE CAN JUST GET ONE MORE POTENTIAL REPUBLICAN SENATOR TO SAY WHAT HE REALLY THINKS ABOUT RAPE...
Jessica: or poor people
or like anything
Me: Yes let's face it most of what they say is horrifying and the rest is lies.
Jessica: please, romney say another thing about those losers that pay no income tax.
Me: Make another $10,000 bet. You know you wanna.
Jessica: talk about your dancing horse.
Me: Talk about your car elevator.
Jessica: talk about the team owners you know.
Me: Talk about how corporations are people.
Jessica: talk about how being mexican would make the election easier.
Me: Talk about your binders full of women.
Jessica: gahhhh
Me: I think we both officially need new hobbies, now.
Jessica: FOR REAL

A Conversation From Work the Other Day:

yO mOMMA
CUSTOMER: * buying a chocolate-covered Twinkie * Do I need to refrigerate this to keep it from spoiling?

ME: * ringing up her chocolate-covered Twinkie * Well, you might want to just to make sure the chocolate doesn't melt, but at a constant temperature chocolate's shelf-stable for months on end. And the Twinkie....is a Twinkie. It wouldn't spoil even if you wanted it to.

CUSTOMER: In retrospect, I should have guessed as much. Not like there's anything organic in Little Debbie snack cakes in the first place.

So I walk up to teh Intarwebs and I say,

Play wi' me!
"Intarwebs, I have had a shitty, shitty day. I had to postpone an important job interview because last night I came down with the screaming trots. So it was LITERALLY shitty."

The Intarwebs reply, "BALDERDASH! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR DAY THAT CANNOT BE CURED BY WATCHING A FAT CAT TRY TO ENTER A SKINNY BOX!"*

tumblr_mb3rmyiDNI1rxye79o1_250


Wise words, Intarwebs. Wise words.







* WE'RE TEH INTARWEBS, OF COURSE WE SPEAK IN CAPSLOCK!

Wibbling for Robots, Part Deux

He's psychotic but I love him
To the animators at NASA who put together the little video about the scientific legacy of the Galileo mission*:

Okay, so your idea of how to edit scenes makes it pretty clear why you didn't end up with your dream job at Pixar and instead spend a whole lot of your time animating spinning spheres of various colors and sizes. 

HOWEVER.

The choice of "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" to accompany the shot of Galileo hurtling itself into the crushing atmosphere of Jupiter, so that it would not crash land on any of Jupiter's icy moons--moons that GALILEO ITSELF had discovered harbored oceans under their ice where life might have once taken hold--where it could concievably contaminate some of the most likely sites for non-terrestrial life in the solar system? And then the "in memoriam" frame like the spacecraft was a soldier who died in battle?

I got a little verklempt.

Congratulations on a job well done, nerdlings.




* Galileo was a spacecraft that orbited Jupiter for 8 years, from 1995 to 2003, and made detailed observations about the planet's immense atmosphere and weather systems (including dropping a parachute probe into the clouds). It also provided much more detailed information about Jupiter's moons, such as the aforementioned subsurface oceans on Ganymede, Europa, and Callisto, and the spectacular volcanic eruptions of Io. The amazing discoveries of Galileo helped the Juno mission, currently en route to Jupiter and on track to arrive in July 2016, get green-lighted.

Romney's gonna fire Big Bird

He's psychotic but I love him
Mitt. Mittens. Walter Mitty Romnekins.

The ONLY thing you said during the first debate that people are going to remember (and BTW, that was some impressive wall-to-wall lying you did...do you think you can buy numbers as easily as TV commercials?) is your little throwaway line about firing Big Bird. It never even registered that you said you'd fire the debate moderator too, because the SECOND that GEM left your mouth no one in their right mind was thinking anything but OH YOU DID NOT JUST DISS MAH HOMEBIRD.

I know you Republicans like to rail on PBS and NPR as bastions of government waste (despite the fact that they are a pimple on the face of a rounding error in the total federal budget). And the Ambien-voiced, very patient people who work for those organizations take the criticism pretty much in stride so you guys feel secure in your bullying. But you just crossed a big, fat line in the proverbial sand. You dissed Big Bird. You dissed the giant yellow symbol of childhood and inappropriate enthusiasm about the letter K.

Now, Fred Rogers (who entirely peaceably made Republicans far tougher than you weep with shame at the thought of cutting off funding to PBS) has gone on to that Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood of Eternity, cardigan and all, so that leaves me, his unworthy surrogate, here on Earth to impart this important message to you.

Are you listening up?

* leans in, grabs by the overstarched shirt collar *

YOU DO NOT. EVER. FUCK WITH A MUPPET. MUPPETS ARE AMERICA'S COLLECTIVE HAPPY PLACE. OUR FRIGGIN' NATIONAL CONSCIENCE SINGS "IT'S EASY BEING GREEN". FUCK WITH BILL NYE AND YOU'LL WAKE UP WITH A SEVERED BOWTIE IN YOUR BED. FUCK WITH IRA GLASS AND YOU'LL GET AN ON-AIR SLAM THAT DEPRECATES HIM AS MUCH AS YOU.

FUCK WITH A MUPPET AND YOU GET AN ENTIRE GENERATION THAT CAN STILL SING THE THEME SONGS TO FRAGGLE ROCK AND MUPPET BABIES AT YOUR DOORSTEP READY TO STUFF YOU AND STICK BRIAN HENSON'S HAND UP YOUR ASS.

Just a friendly warning <3<3<3

SCIENCE: IT MOTHERFUCKING WORKS

Fishbowl

Like every other good geek grrl with an Internet connection, I was watching the live stream from NASA when Curiosity alighted on Mars like a minivan-sized metal ballerina, and the contact high from the jubilation at the JPL has had me prowling nasa.gov for the past couple of weeks, looking at what's been shakin' in the space race since I gave up amateur astronomy as a teenager. 

Answer: COOL. ASS. SHIT. With the space shuttle retired most of NASA's projects don't make it into the headlines very often (cute as Sojourner may have been, robots still have trouble with "smile winningly for the camera so the monkeys like you!"). However, there is awesome SCIENCE! being done right now on understanding solar weather and the Earth's magnetic fields--the next mission on the launch pad is a pair of tougher-than-nails probes that are going to be flown directly into the teeth of the Van Allen Belts, which make all other satellites hide under their space-beds and whimper. This is all to better understand what makes the Sun occasionally flip the fuck out and kill our weather/communication/sekrit ninja spy technology with cosmic fire. Grade-A primo example of pure science being hella useful.

But for PURELY USELESS FAITH-IN-HUMANITY-AND-THE-UNIVERSE-AT-LARGE REASONS, my absolute faaaaaavorite bit of space news is that Voyager 1, which in technological terms is a DirecTV dish's knuckle-dragging ancestor and has been cruisin' through lots o' nothin' for the LAST 35 YEARS, is just about to exit the heliopause and the influence of the sun's magnetic field and become the first person-made object to enter interstellar space.

We literally. put a bit of ourselves. out between the stars.

Literally-literally. The Voyager missions were designed in the '70s when there was plenty of chemical assistance available to promote feeling at one with eeeeeeeeverythiiiiiiing, maaaan. There are golden LPs on them going HELLO THAR ALIENS! WE KNOW HOW TO MAKE ROCKETS BUT STILL USE ANALOG SOUND RECORDING DEVICES! AND WE'RE ALL FREE TO BE YOU AND ME! Even when I was a wee lass with a star chart, the Voyager missions got my little goat with their sheer audacity. PICTURES OF OUTER PLANETS FOR EVERYBODY! WHEEEEEEE THANX FOR THE ACCELERATION, SATURN'S GRAVITY WELL!

Fuck walking on the moon as the ultimate symbol of space-age achievement. The moon race was about the Cold War and Mom/God/Apple Pie and seizing on, like, the ONE thing the Soviets hadn't already beaten us to.

You want a symbol of The Little Blue Planet That Could? A hunk of battered metal that has been blowing scientists' minds with new data for longer than my freakishly monogamous parents have been married, grooving along to "Age of Aquarius", harmony and understanding sympathy and trust abounding for ever and ever alleluia amen.

Groove on, funky traveler. Groove on.